Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Slowing the spin of self-denigration...

It has been well over a month since I have touched these keys with intention beyond the shallow surface of all that is mundane... Disappointed in myself - feeling less than capable, less than worthy of anything other than wading through the muck of daily survival - I've finally looked at the eyes in the mirror and called out the monster for what it is: Depression. It is so much easier to paint a smile and focus on "what needs to be done" than to simply stop and acknowledge the weariness I have felt for some time now. In the midst of crisis, I act... I do... I fix all that I can. It is when the crisis is over that I fall apart -- when I allow that for myself.

With Greg's improved vision and the promise of our first trip to Cape May in over three years, with a fist full of baseball tickets, movie tickets, and a little extra cash to go out to dinner now and then, with some sunshine and a garden that actually looks like a garden in the front, side and rear of my home, life has become a quite a bit brighter... and in the face of this joy my lurking shadows have lunged at my self-esteem. Without allowing myself to grieve for all that I have been missing, it has became difficult to accept those gifts now that they have returned. I've shoved down the hurt out of the fear of upsetting others and, without acknowledging the depths of my pain and disappointment, I've deprived the flowers of my soul much needed rain.

Please forgive the romantic metaphor. I don't mean to be overtly dramatic. I have needed to cry out without judging myself to be selfish, weak, foolish, and inadequate. Now, with tears smudging the time on this computer screen, I'm grateful for no longer caring that it is getting late and the pragmatist within is screaming at me to go to bed so I can get up early for another day of work. It is long past time that I allow myself to fall apart and so, I am grateful for this space where I can finally permit myself to scream... grieve... and release. My poetry waits just behind the tips of my fingers... I have only to stop spinning to find myself centered and writing again.

I thank all that is holy and good for Greg, for Milo, for honesty and love and the support of all who never stop caring. Thank you. May we all finally find a gentle night's rest...

6 comments:

  1. Just wanted to say I was here . . . to read your words, to bear witness to your struggle. Praying for that gentle rest to come to you and yours.

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    1. It means a lot Andrea... thank you. I slept well. :) I have a history of not speaking out - assuming others can see what I'm feeling. Once I express myself plainly in words, I'm often told they had no idea how much I was struggling or that I was struggling at all. I guess my strong desire to please, to help, to not disappoint masks me too well. I hit a point recently where I really wanted to sit and cry but couldn't say why I felt that way so, instead of just doing the healthy thing and bawling my eyes out, I judged myself, invalidated the feeling I didn't understand, and plunged into "doing" more. Last night, after a ride to the city's rose garden and honestly telling Greg (and myself) how I've been feeling, I sat and read a blog or two. "Being" instead of "doing" which is what has been needed all along. Feeling the cyber connection with angels such as yourself was enough to tip the scale and open the flood gates. As I've said... I am grateful. Thank you.:)

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  2. I read you and I know exactly how you feel Lettie. Because I work the same way as you do. I waited too long thinking people would see my struggles without me saying it loud.
    Not so long ago I realized it was time to let go and reconnect with myself.
    You are a very nice person and you don't have to please everyone before yourself. Taking care of yourself is the first duty you have. Don't judge yourself too harsh, look at you with love. You don't have to manage everything all the time. You can sit an cry, let the tears wash your pains. There is nothing bad in this,it is even good, as you allow yourself to be you.

    Take care dear, happy to read you talked about it and hope after a good night sleep you feel better.
    much love.xx

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    1. I do feel better Marie, thank you. And yes, your words ring true as always... it is comforting to be reminded that there are kindred souls who recognize the struggle and bear witness with compassion.

      Be well and happy. :)

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  3. Read your words early(ish) this morning but didn't comment. What was there to say?
    I could have written that I did read ... and that i moved me!
    That's what I'm doing now!
    ... and why DO we walk around with pebbles in our shoes? Coz we thing that's what we deserve?
    Wishing you a wonderful day and plenty of moments of NOW!

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    1. That you took the time to read, dear Eva, is more than enough for me to be grateful. Thank you. Pebbles come and go... it is part of life but today is a better day. Have a wonderful weekend and many Zen moments. ;)

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